Throw momma

Bad Men

2010-10-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

Our tiny dog Johb got away from Stephen yesterday and dragging his big red leash behind, kept running away from Stephen all around our neighborhood. It would have been kinda funny, except that Stephen had a toothache too, and Johb shouldn't be afraid of Stephen after all these months. Stephen has gone out of his way to woo this dog, he avoids eye contact, brings treats and plays with the laser pointer or some other gentle play everyday. Why you ask is Johb afraid of Stephen? Well, perhaps you have guessed, Johb is a rescue dog and some man who perhaps resembled Stephen apparently scared Johb on a regular basis. Yet everyday my wonderful husband gets up early (Ok he likes to do that) carries a growling Johb outside for his morning walk, then he does it again every night. I have a good man, a gentle man, who cares about scared dogs, lazy wives, and suffering people too.
Today I am mad at the bad men out there who have not just hurt the women in their lives, but who also have hurt the good men like mine who have to spend their days proving to the creatures both animal and human that they are good men.
I am forever greatful for all the good men that have been in my life my father William, my husband Stephen, my son Liam, my Uncle Jul, my friend Ron, my friend Rick, my brothers in law Elden, Doug, Gary and Mark. I have been lucky. There are way many more good men than bad. Let's love them well.
Sometimes we women can feel fairly powerless over the bad men but we are not powerless, because we have the biggest power of all the ability to create and raise the strong powerful good men of the future. We must do it, we must teach our sons to be strong, but gentle, brave but not afraid to express their emotions or to discourage others to show theirs. The greatest weapon against the bad men is to create more good men and to nurture and appreciate those good men we are lucky enough to have in our lives.
When we see bad men out there in the community preying on the weaker humans or animals we need to find a way to reach out to the victims and help them feel safe. The good men need to continue to stand up to the bad men until it becomes unacceptable to be a bad man. Bad men aren't fun, funny or harmless they are....... bad men.

56 years old and afraid to tell my mother I don't like church anymore.

2010-03-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

I have been consumed with a feeling of dread this weekend. My husband, a minister, is in a new church and this Sunday is his first Sunday and the first Sunday at a new church that I won't be there with him. He is fine with this decision. It became obvious to both of us after 20 plus years of my "playing the minister's wife" that it wasn't helping our relationship, and was inhibiting my own emotional growth and adding unnecessary stress to our lives.

The problem lies with my Mom, an ambivalent former minister's wife herself but a devout evangelical Christian. I already seriously breached our relationship when I left the church of the Nazarene and joined a much more liberal denomination. She was unable to believe that I could "really be a Christian" if I didn't follow God's teachings in the same way as I was brought up. The second breach to her was when I didn't take my husbands last name when we were married. For some reason she took this as a personal offense and is still unable to say or write my name as she named me, but always adds my husbands name on anyway. I've come to just live with these things, though they do hurt, but she's 85 years now and isn't going to change and her cognitions are slowing down and her memory as well.

But she is quite aware that my husband starts his new church tomorrow and she does not know that I am not going. I have kept her in the dark about my lack of involvement in his church over the past two years and it was easy because we were a short distance apart and she didn't ask very often how things were going. But last night she said "I'll be praying for you and Stephen this weekend." I said, "thank you I'll be sure and tell Stephen." To top off the issue, this is Palm Sunday and next Sunday is Easter when we all get together for Easter dinner.
I have started to work on Sundays since my husband is always working Sundays. I am a psychotherapist and it makes good sense to have a Sunday practice since most people are free on Sundays and like to have a time for therapy when they dont' have to miss work.
So I woke up last night feeling a heaviness in my chest and that old familiar worried/guilty feeling, playing scenarios of whether to tell her before she finds out, or wait till she asks, or to just hope she forgets to ask. What amazes me is that I wake up and feel guilty about telling my mother something even at the age of fifty-six. What power our parents hold over us for our whole lives. I don't 'know what I am going to do and I am considering trying to schedule a quick session with my former therapist just to strategize and get some EMDR http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm for my anxiety.

The Meeting that Changed My Life

2010-03-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

It's been about seven months since I went to my one and only meeting of Overeaters in Recovery.
That one meeting changed my life in ways I still don't fully understand.

I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel fat, clunky and awkward. I am sure there were times that preceed memory when I felt comfortable in my body, but I can't remember. There was a brief time in 10th grade when I decided to try out for cheer leading and got very fit and felt stronger in my body. I never mastered the cartwheel which precluded me having a chance to make the team, but I did experience some joy in feeling strong.

I have struggled all my life with my weight and dieting. Many yo yo dieting experiences between ages 12 and 30 something, then a general giving up and gaining weight and waiting for the circus to call. I have tried to make the most of my life in other ways but always felt my inability to find and stay at a healthy weight my biggest failure.

Here I was in my mid fifties expecting an early death as predicted by the medical media for those unable to stay thin and fit. I met a friend who invitited me to her meeting of over eaters in recovery. She had been quite successful in loosing a great amount of weight. I had once attended an over eaters anonymous meeting in my 30s and did not like it at all, and never returned. But I decided to give this new group a try with my friend Pam's encouragement.

So one evening last summer I found myself walking into a bland meeting room in a neighboring town not knowing what to really expect. What shocked me the most was that nearly everyone in the room was thin. I sat down and watched an AA style meeting unfold, lots of rigidity and rules and dogma read out loud. My rebelliousness began to surface but I hung in there and finally after a half hour of ritual, people began to get up and share. I found out from Pam earlier that only those with a long period of diet sobriety could speak out during the testimonials. I remember being struck by how the speakers were so happy to have lost all their fat and how they achieved it by giving up all of the fun connected with food and only eating to stay alive. The way it works is that you have a sponsor who you call everyday to report your intended eating for the next day. Your food choices eliminate all white flour and sugar of any kind. Here is where I got stuck. I LOVE BREADS AND SWEETS!!!! When the speakers talked about how happy they were to be able to ride a bike again, play with their children, run and feel less inhibited in public they made it clear that the loss of food related fun was totally worth it. I began to see that this is what has worked for them and maybe this was going to be me also. After the meeting I said goodbye to my friend Pam and said I needed to think about all this, she totally understood. On the way home uncharacteristically,I began to cry and said to myself," this is what it is going to mean for you to be healthy and live longer you have to give up all your control and fun related to food and become one of these people who attend three meetings a week and call someone everyday to tell them how you'll stay on the program." Now in a TV drama I would go on to tell you that I went back and now I am happily one of them living thin and happily without my "trigger foods."

But this is my life and here is what happened to me. I continued to grieve for the next few days about the loss of my fun times with food, I found myself tearful over food and very indecisive about what to eat most of the time. I explained to my supportive loving overweight husband that I was struggling with the idea of giving up a lot in order to become healthier. As he always does, he waited patiently and listened without judgment. I should insert here that I was also seeing my therapist Randi and talking with her about all this too and about my battles with life and eating too much.

Today I am 30 pounds lighter and have never returned to another meeting. I decided I cannot give up flour and sugar forever, I love them too dearly. I don't want to call someone every morning and tell them my plans for eating today. I want to be able to join in birthday celebrations and cook the foods of my family heritage and eat them.

What I was able to give up was my adolescent attitude that "I should be able to eat what I want all the time, and no one can tell me what to do" I have struggled with a mother who always monitored my eating as a child and to this day, in an effort to help me be healthier, but which I experiene as overbearing and controlling. On the other hand I had a father who loved eating and ate with abandon and joy at every meal and who also was heavy most of his life. So in an effort to "show my mother she is not the boss of me" and to imitate my fun loving food eating father whom I adored I used food to prove to myself who "was in charge." It actually became the food.

So I think, hope and pray, that now I am in charge, my grown up self who knows that food can be wonderful and fun and healing, but also food can be an out of control force in my life that takes over if I am not aware each day and moment what I am putting into my mouth and why.

Will this work and will I continue to loose weight slowly and permanently? I don't know, this is where I am right now. I don't weigh myself,(my doctor told me about the 30 lbs I lost). I try many techniques to be fully aware and in the moment when I eat. I make special efforts to be aware of how my clothes are fitting and how I feel better or worse in my body depending on what I have eaten every day.

Why am I writing this post? To remind myself again of how I felt that day I went to the meeting that gave me an opening to let go and grieve the loss of freedom to eat whatever I wanted whenever I want it, because I want to stay on my own path to recovery. Also to let any readers of this post know that we are all different and what works for me may not work for you but that if we work hard enough and stay at it perhaps we can all find our own way to suceed even in our areas of greatest past failures.

Spring is coming like premature labor

2009-04-04T18:15:00.000-07:00

I have found this spring to be filled with dis-ease. Not actually a word, but I like the sound of it. Different than uneasy more pervasive and persistent a feeling. The sense of waiting combined with dread. I don't know what I am dreading, free floating dread if you will. I know I am waiting for spring and it keeps coming in dribs and drabs like premature labor.

A few green sprigs of greenery in the garden, a few bird twitters in the morning, but nothing to make me sure spring is actually coming soon. It remains cold, gray, windy and to me sad. I feel like I am slogging through a marsh most days. Nothing to lighten my step or my spirits.

Perhaps our sloggy economy adds to this feeling, but I pride myself on not taking this economic free fall to seriously. I've lived through this stuff before and I discount greatly the media attempts to get us worked up for their benefit.

But what has a grip on me? I don't know. 50's angst? could be. I'll just keep waiting and slogging. "Whatsoever state I am, therein to be content."

Momma at rest

2009-03-03T05:57:00.000-08:00

Well you would think that with all this vacation time on my hands I would be writing more in this blog. I have been thinking alot that's for sure, but getting it onto this screen seems hard.

For one thing part of myself is feeling the vicarious pain of our neighbors as they sit with their dying daugher Erica. Even writing those words bring moisture to my eyes. We spend so much of our lives avoiding thoughts of death and ending to our time on earth and then once in awhile we get a kick in the ass from the dangling dong of fate. (pardon my colorful language here but I did clean it up believe it or not)

Betrayal that's how it feels to have the life of a young woman who fought with all she was worth, with so much promise and hope, snatched from the loving arms of her family and friends who have no recourse, or room to negotiate. It just makes no sense and I struggle to believe that there is any bigger picture here to see. The older I get the more I am confused by the Bible verse "all things work together for good to those that love the Lord." How so?

I think back ony own loss of an iconic father at my then age of 30 years old. The only greater purpose I could see for that was maybe his freedom and move to a higher form of existence, but for those who loved him left here on earth it was only about loss, regret and wishing he were still with us even now 25 years later. By the way, this blog would piss him off.

But then last night when I dipped my arms and legs into the Bioluminescent Bay and watched the glowing glittering dinoflagellites playing all over me, I rejoiced in the wonder of our complex and suprising world. I felt optimistic and happy about what is still left to be offered to us in this aging run down world full of human disappointment and loss. But I stil wonder almost daily what the hell is it all about?

My Heart Hurts

2009-02-21T17:41:00.000-08:00

Well that was exciting. I just spent about five hours at Maine Medical Center ER getting my heart checked out. About three days ago I began to feel some pressure in the middle of my chest and when it didn't go away my MD suggested I go to the ER since it is Sat. and "they had the right equipment." I spent most of the day first putzing around, day trip to NH, lunch, and kept hoping it would disappear. Mostly I felt fine, just this nagging mild pain/pressure between "the ladies." I told the ER doc it felt like a cat was sitting on my chest.

Well the upshot is that it looks like I am fine, except they can't figure out the pain. My EKG, blood work and chest xrays were all good. I'll have a stress test this week just to make sure, but it looks like my VACA will go on as planned, thank's be!

What I want to say though mostly is that my experience in the ER against all my expectations was down right delightful. Without exception I was treated respectfully and kept fully informed. The wait was not bad. They even served both Stephen and I drinks twice. Not alchoholic unfortunately, but very accomodating. The only bad experience was the IV they had to insert that was a problem due to my silly veins. My guess is was that this was a fairly slow night in the ER, but the friendliness and gentleness with which I was treated was almost shocking. At one point we were talking with the Doc about good books to read on vacation and he came back in later with a print out of the book information from the computer.

So why is my heart hurting? I wonder is it anxiety, stress, indigestion, muscle pain? I prefer to think it is because my children have moved away and left me with their crazy father and needy pets in this frozen tundra of a winter in Maine. But that's just me. We'll see who is reading their mother's blog!

Valentines Schmalentines!

2009-02-14T07:30:00.000-08:00

Now that I am an old married lady, I can sit back and watch the Valentines hub bub with a bit more detachment than years ago, when I spent much energy deciding what I would buy my sweetie, and wondering what how my sweetie would sweep me off my feet with a dazzling display of romance.

This year I bought us both some pretty tulips, sent him out for our favorite chocolates (Katadin Crunch at Haven's Chocolates) and bought myself some pretty earrings. One fun thing I found in Walmart for family Valentines were edible paper. You can write your love note with edible ink on the paper hearts and then they can be eaten by the reciever. For those of you mainline protestants and maybe who have had wafers for communion, they are sort of a pretty yummy version of those. Do Catholics have those same type of wafers? Like edible styrofoam?

Last year my sweetie informed me that Valentine's Day was a holiday he always dreaded because of the pressure to get something wonderful. This changed my expectation level and caused me to want to find a more relaxed way of celebrating our love. Changing my expectation level of him without blaming him for failing to read my mind and sweep me off my feet has been better for both of us. True love is about commitment and faithfulness, not about sweeping each other off our feet, and if you have a mate that is good at that, enjoy and feel lucky. I feel lucky to know that I have a faithful man who I know loves me dearly even if he dreads Valentines day. He's been around for over 35 of them now, and I hope he'll stay for another 35 at least.

Run Liam Run!!

2009-02-01T14:50:00.000-08:00

Well Liam is beyond my reach, no cellphone, no computer, just him, his backpack and his wits! I can't help but think he did the right thing to leave the night before the super bowl. I have been resenting this macho takeover of the US all weekend since you can't move here without
bumping into some hype that assumes that we are all interested!! How appropriate that my gay son is leaving now when he would feel more than ever left out of American culture.

I am so pleased that he has so many friends all over the US and even some in Europe. He has that gift of making friends, good fun friends easily and juggling all of their personalities so smoothly. Isn't it amazing to watch our kids on facebook, text messaging, all the techno gifts they have for staying connected?

On the flip side I know that he must often feel so left out of our heteroproud. gay- confused culture. All the mainstream movies, most popular books, and advertisements assume hetero attraction. I often sneak looks at him when we are watching movies, or what not, and see if there is a visible sadness or sense of being different.

Also I want so much for him to have a long term partner that he can depend on for life, like I have had for the last 34 years. I know so few male gay partnerships firsthand, and hear so much about promiscuity in the gay male culture that I wonder if he will find it, or give up.

Anyway it will be quite a few more hours before I hear from him that he has arrived safe in Cusco so until then I will try and let go, believe in his common sense and skill at travel, and pray.
I love you Liam wherever you are right now! Mom

I'm Itching!!

2009-01-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

I go around all the time with an interior itch. Something in my soul feels itchy. When I think about scratching my itch it is usually about changing something in my life. Sometimes I think about running away to a new life. Maybe in a tropical climate, maybe becoming a sort of missionary, maybe moving into a trailer and living very cheaply.

Stephen is my anchor and he keeps me both steady and unable to make a decision to go. He reminds me that our life here is good and that we have a great house in a lovely community and are both working at challenging jobs that keep us interested and often fulfilled.

But yet, I keep itching. I wonder how if I will ever scratch it, or if the itching will stop if I hold still? Or, maybe I am wrong about what the itching means.

If anyone wants to read my son's awsome travel blogg it is at invisibleinkling.wordpress.com/

Liam is on the train.

2009-01-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

Well, I am back blogging out my empty next blues! My son Liam now age 22 has graduated from Emerson with a frightening amount of student loans. I am only now beginning to realize that Sallie Mae is a code name for satan. Can you sue Satan?

Anyway Liam has taken off to avoid his student debt (not really, though I am the gate keeper for now) for Peru. It started Friday when he boarded an Amtrack to Chicago from Boston and is now debarking somewhere in New Mexico where he will see his friend and second favorite woman Rita O. Now I have to let his dog out into the sub zero, snow encrusted, Portland Maine five o'clock dusk.......

A week from today he'll be almost at his final destination Cusco, Peru, where he will begin some time working with a local charity f9r children and traveling some around Peru. He fell in love with Peru on a high school trip and has had a goal of returning ever since. I wish him well, but of course want him back here sooner rather than later. Or better yet I want my own 22 year old body back and the energy and bravery to travel myself!!

My kids are are making me proud, happy, lonely and excited all at once!!

My very smart daughter Sarah has just been accepted into a PHD program at her current Master's alma mater OSU. It feels very weird to have a daughter becoming an expert in a new field like gender studies that never even existed when I first met Gloria Steinhem (on paper anyway).

Isn't it what we most want is for our children to surpass us in achievement and fulfillment in life? It is gratifying but also challenging to my ability to step back!! I enjoyed being the best and brightest generation, but now I am called upon to watch and cheer. So that is my challenge, to stand back, step aside, keep the home fire burning (literally today) and cheer them on without complaint. A tall order, but one worthy goal for me.

watching my momma

2007-01-22T17:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I just completed a whole long blog about taking my mother for FL and then lost it. Anyway she is safely there and I learned that I am doing even better at tolerating her behavior that used to drive me crazy. I can see that she is brave and resilient and has been surviving virtually on her own , since Dad died 23 years ago next month. The more I feel my own aging, the more empathy I feel for her. Isn't that what experts said would happen as mothers and daughters aged?

Once, in graduate school I had the audacity to write a paper diagnosing her with a personality disorder that was not very flattering. Now I realize she is a genuine trauma survivor and I should have chosen Post Truamatic Stress Disorder. At the time I focused more on the symptoms and eccentricieties that drive me crazy at times and less on what she had experienced in her life that cause her to be distrustful, scared, anxious, and rigid. So I guess I am mellowing and maturing myself even since 2003. I see very few people in my practice whose psychiatric symptoms cannot be explained by early experiences of trauma, abuse, betrayal or abandonment. Alright alright, enough psycho babble, I'll stop.

Florida and back

2007-01-22T16:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been to Florida and back to help my Mom get settled in her winter place in Wesleyan Village in Brooksville FL. Everytime I am with her for any length of time I am both amazed at how well she does for her age and how resilient and strong is her body. But I also I see new little ways in which she is declining, like hearing loss, and more difficulty expressing herself clearly and understanding instructions.

She was very grateful and appreciative for my efforts at helping her get there and get set up. I used to really struggle to contain my anger and frustration while being with her, but now I find myself more filled with empathy and a wish to ease her struggle more than anything. Things that used to make me cringe now just really evoke sort of a mixture of pity and indulgence.

She has decided to try and use a cell phone while there and after alot of shopping I found the largest button simplest model phone, and then pasted on some stickers to help cue her for answering and finding the preprogramed numbers.

I am very pleased that she is financially able to support herself and pay her own expenses as well as those incurred in taking her down there. This certainly eases things for both of us. One thing I have learned is that there is certainly no point in trying to explain something to her before she asks about something. Like, for instance, insurance issues, and ways to protect her money/my inheritance. She struggles to pay her bills and finds it quite a chore, but won't let me help with it, since that would involved sharing financial information with me that she for some reason doesn't trust me to know. Trusting has always been the hardest challenge for Mom and as far as I know my father was the only person she was able to almost fully trust. He's been gone for almost 23 years now.

I imagine this is bori

that last title was bogus

2007-01-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

your momma

Well when I started writing yesterday's blog I meant to write about the fact that four of us adults living here has been very little problem so far, but then I got off track. Anyway today I will write about that.
Sarah and her boyfriend Luke moved into our partially finished basement in mid December for about six months until they both pursue separate but fun travel adventures this summer.
They are good house mates so far, as long as I don't venture too far into their space and criticize which I am trying hard not to do. Luke is very easy to be with and we enjoy his company, he is often working or doing his art or going over to friends homes, but he is enjoyable to be with and definately pitches into the jobs that need doing around here.
Sarah is working very hard at a job that is quite a challenge interpersonally for her and waiting on pins and needles to see about grad school. I can tell she is trying very hard to do her share of things and to keep our mutual living spaces neat. I know I am not very tolerant of clutter and that surely is a thorn in her side, but I am trying too.
Today seems to be one of those hormonal days for me where I can't tell if I am spelling even very simple words correctly, so it may be bad in this post.
One frustration I have to get off my chest is that Stephen is being a poop to me about travel. I have a trip planned to Vieques again for this February and he is very concerned about money (as usual). All year I look forward to this trip and then end up feeling guilty for wanting to go. I feel like we are going in high gear constantly all year between our two careers and the extras for Open House, and that the least we should be able to do is have one really nice winter vacation(not opulent by any means believe me) but very nice. I so wish he could join me in enjoying the planning and feeling like he deserves it too. I also wish he would join me in planning to get a cheaper house so money is less of a concern for both of us "in our twilight years." Add that was my daily bitch....

Four isn't a crowd so far

2007-01-05T16:10:00.000-08:00

Well it has been a very long time since I have written in my blog. Once Sarah came home from Europe I lost my impetus. But over the holidays Liam informed me he misses my blogg and now I have found out how to import it to face book as well, so I am back for all of you two readers.

It is a weird warm winter here in Maine this year. The holidays are over and most of the people I ask, say they are glad that it's gone by. Many because they hate the commercialism and some of my patients because of past memories that make the holidays hard now. For me I will be glad when I get the energy to take down the tree. We did have a fun time over the actual days of Christmas and New Years with our children, our friends and family.

This week God gave our family a little shock therapy by way of a 10 lb bundle of baby that we took care of for 48 hours. Many of you know that I love holding small babies and since I have aged out, I have often questioned whether we should have had another child, or should consider foster children etc.
Well, it was quite a wake up call to take care of baby Gavin. He was a particularly good baby, and as tiny babies go, easy to care for, however it became all consuming for Stephen and I even with Sarah here to help some.
One good benefit though was that it kept me from being so ego centric as far as my disillusionment with mid life and my current work situation goes. It became about putting one foot in front of another. Now I remember how my youth sped by. I sure enjoyed reading my book and sleeping through the night last night. But tonight I find myself thinking of Gavin and wondering how he is tonight......

your momma

2006-06-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

your momma

You complete me.....

Well Sarah is back with Stephen, Liam joined us for the weekend. It was so wonderful to all be together laughing, celebrating father's day and looking at pictures of adventures together. When we all sit around at the table and tease each other and talk and make jokes, I feel so blessed as a mother and parent. I am so happy to be able to say that I like my children, as well as love them.

Besides that the weather is spectacular. This is why I live in Maine. I am waiting for Stephen to return so we can spend most of a day together at Carrie Beach on Lake Winnipesaukee. I took a day off to catch up with him today, but unfortunately he still had to do a premarital counseling session this a.m.

Lately i feel frustrated that we are so overscheduled. It seems like a major deal just to get a full day off together without one or both of us having to be somewhere at some point that day.
I know whiny whiny whiny. Sorry. I am blessed more than most people, I know it. God help me to enjoy it.

Thankyou God, Sorry I cursed

2006-06-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

Well the sun is partially out, and I feel more awake, now that the weekend is almost over. The news in the paper was pretty dismal. Lately I just can't stand to hear anymore about Iraq or all the suffering both over there, and Guantanamo Bay. I am tired of the government and politicians playing games with my emotions and spinning everything until we don't know which end is up or who to trust. I want some integrity for God sake, where is it?

Anyway here is an update about Sarah and Stephen in Ireland.

Stephen arrived in Shannon airport at about 5 a.m. US time and picked up the rental car and drove successfully on the right to meet Sarah at six mile village where their first hostel is. He and Sarah went driving and he drove off a small ditch and flattened the tire. I'll bet he let a few choice words fly given how tired he must have been by then. But they changed the tire and were on another jaunt when they called me. Tomorrow off to Cork for them.

All By Myself

2006-06-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

What has happened to this week? It went by quickly without me posting anything since Tuesday. Well Stephen has left now for Ireland. He was so antsy pantsy and excited to be leaving. He is funny/cute when he get's excited. I am really happy for him and Sarah and I know they will have a good time together

Sarah called and she is now in Ireland waiting for Stephen's arrival. She says they have no internet service in the hostel there, so she may not be able to blogg for a couple days.

So,,, how do I feel about being along for a week for the first time in over thirty years. Wow, and before that it was dorm life, so I don't even know if that counts as alone. I did have a single room for a semester.

Well I am kind of looking forward to seeing what it is like and getting a number of things accomplished. I have already reglued some dresser drawers and cleaned out the dresser too. I listened to all of Lake Wobegon while I did it which was fun. Earlier,I made pasties, and mushroom soup. Now it is very quiet here, but I am going up stairs soon to watch TV, and eat some watermelon. Tomorrow- quality time with Mom.

PS please dear God stop this fuckin rain.

I can piss her off even across the atlantic

2006-06-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

Sarah is ticked off at me because I encouraged Luke to look at an apartment I saw at a yard sale that looked perfect for them. I guess to her that was over stepping my bounds since she wants to have more of a say in which apartment and neighborhood they choose. I have such a hard time remembering that she is her own person, and just because I think she would like something, I could be way off.
Mother daughter relationships are such a struggle. As mothers and sister women we think we know our daughter's so well, both as their mother and as a woman who has struggled similarly. As daughters, we so much want to be different from our mother's and prove we exist separately but equally well without the help of that original significant other. I know from experience it is a life time struggle.

Anyway Sarah, I am sorry I stepped on your toes with Luke.

your momma

2006-06-03T07:32:00.000-07:00

your momma

For those of you reading, I am very proud of my daughter and impressed not only with her independence, and confidence, but with her concern for those of us reading and following along. I have heard from her several times by email in the last few days, and she is doing well and taking care of herself. One week from today she and her father will be meeting up, so then I can worry about both of them, but at least they's be together.

Will if you read this, I wish I had been able to do a blogg with you when you went, because I am remembering how I felt then too and how proud I was of you as well. I hope you know this even though I didn't blogg it. Your trip spurred us all on to do it I think. I know it did me conbined with MB's nudging.

I love my family all of you today. Now for my Saturday priority, in the rain even...... yard sales......

what the heck is happening in Budapest?

2006-05-31T17:22:00.000-07:00

I have heard very little from Sarah, except that she has arrived safely, and the hostel is nice. I am dying to know how she likes Budapest, and if she is getting around OK. Hopefully there will be a blog soon.

Just for the record, I am sick of working all the time, and want to retire now. What a pity I have so far to go.

An undercurrent of sadness

2006-05-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful day. We joined our families for a picnic at my sister's cottage and the company, food and weather was great. All day today though I have had an undercurrent of sadness for two reasons I think. One is that I miss Sarah, and it feels like she has been gone a long time, and Liam is returning to Boston this evening and it was wonderful to have him here, but I miss him already.

But even beyond these things I am struggling with a very sad feeling about our troops in Iraq. There have been alot of stories about wounded soldiers and dead soldiers over the last couple of days, and I just can't stop feeling how needless this all seems to me. Death and suffering are bad enough when there is a great cause, if there is such a thing, folks seemed to think that about WWI and II, but very few people seem to think that this war has much merit. I can't believe it has gone on so long almost three years now. It feels like we're stuck and can't get out or end it and who knows when we will see the end. I feel helpless and stuck.

george herbert walker

2006-05-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

Well we are staying in Kennebunk now about a mile from George herbert walker's estate. I have been thinking lately that I need to spend some considerable time away from the US in a more deprived state of being to help me learn to appreciate the US more. Right now I am so discouraged with all that has happened here in recent years and repulsed by so much of our culture that seems inescabable. My own negativity is growing with every new excess, or bad foreign policy that the average north american has little say or control over.

On another topic, I am so happy that Sarah has found some additional friends in her hostel in Naples. This is such an important part of travel. It seems the force is with her.

But what about Kennebunkport?

2006-05-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

After reading and drooling about Sarah's adventures in Italy I am really fighting the travel bug. so even though we are a bit broke at the momment Stephen and I are going on an overnight to the home of George Bush, Kennebunkport. Fortunately the off season rates are still on, and we can stay cheaply on the water. Truthfully we have been wanting to get away for some time and have alot of things we haven't been able to talk about due to our busy schedules, that often conflict it seems.

I was happy to get a small raise even though I have only been at this job since February. Lucky for me contract renewal time is in June every year. I keep reminding myself the perks of this job are great, even though the work is pretty taxing. Helping people prepare to die and endure suffering is pretty complex, especially when the life before was not easy and often lonely. I can't say I like the work, but I can say it keeps me thinking.

Liam comes home this weekend, and I am thrilled to see him again. I enjoy our conversations together so much. I must say I am enjoying having grown children immensely. I feel so lucky that we can be friends together.

Barbara I know you are leaving today for China, and are already on your way. If you read this, God Speed, and I hope the boys know they can call us anytime.

The Gestapo?

2006-05-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

My heart is pounding to hear Sarah's account of the train ride to Italy. I am amazed those two young women are coping so well with all the challenging travel. I wonder if they fought over the lock on the door. I also am worried about what happens when she and Nicki split and Nicki comes back home next week. Will Sarah will be lonely in Vienna? I am not sure what her plans are for hooking up with friends there. I wonder if Liam's luggage was searched and asked for his passport on the trains he rode?

Mental Pause

2006-05-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well another Sunday come and almost gone. I started out feeling pretty good and motivated, but felt myself begin to drag as I noticed when I was putting on my makeup, that I am definately going to have a mouth that sags downward. I hate those kinds of mouths on older women. I always assummed that because I don't smoke, and smile alot that I wouldn't have a downward shaped mouth. I guess the power of gravity is winning even against me.

Now I feel tired in my bones, and like I have let Stephen down for not going to Open House, and just like I want to curl up into a ball and hibernate. I'll head to my usual place of solace, the tub.

Oh, the good news is, that Sarah wrote a great blog entry about her disgust with the red light district in Amsterdam. She is so full of ideas and energy, wow... I want mine back.
She and Nicki are off on a long train ride to Florence. I am starting to worry now about Italians and what it will be like for two girls who are so full of optimism, but somehow also naive and take advantagable. I know it's not a word, but this is my blogg...... William, if you read this, will you help me put a picture on my blogg? I bought you a suprise today.

How did I get this feeling of entitlement?

2006-05-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

Well Sarah seems to be doing well, and making good choices, so I will now relax a bit more. Now Iam starting to feel a bit jealous of my children's oportunities for travel while they feel strong and confident. I think confidence is really a key, each generation builds on the confidence of their parents, and I just didn't have the confidence to go to foreign countries that I have now. Now the confidence is there, but not the energy and drive so much.

Today Stephen and I went out to Hiram to look at a trailer and campsite that is for sale on Stanley Pond, it seemed too small and crowded for what I feel I deserve. Which brings me to the question of entitlement. Most all of my life I have had the sense that I will eventually get what I deserve, most notably money and freedom. How I got this idea and belief I don't know, but the closer I get to dying without receiving either, the more annoyed I am. Nevertheless, even as I write this, hope springs eternal. I wonder if I have passed this onto my children, and who passed this idea to me? I suspect my father, and the experience of life being pretty good to me as well.

Addlepated addie

2006-05-18T16:06:00.000-07:00

I am fried, went to Ruby Tuesdays ate a too big burger, discussed ditching cooperate America with Stephen and had a passiontini which has wiped me out mentally.
I read Sarah's blogg about shopping in Amsterdam and wonder if she is enjoying all the shopping, or if she is going along to please Nicki. I am afraid I have to some degree passed on my need to be a "people pleaser" to Sarah, and sometimes wonder if she gives up some of herself in order to keep the peace. Actually now that I think about it, Stephen does that more than I do, at least within our family. I think I do it more with strangers or casual friends than I do with family and close friends. HMMMM, I wonder what that means?

She loves me........

2006-05-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

She's alive and well and she loves me. .... My guts are grinning tonight. Sarah called my cell and left a good message and she read my blog and responded. She enjoys my blog but worries that I am worried, oh boy what a symbiotic duo we are. I am happy to learn that people have been friendly, and that she feels safer than in the US. Then I think, now will she become too confident? Anyway what is too confident? cocky? She's not that, so I guess confident is good.

Someone at my work dissed Hungary yesterday and we were at a dinner meeting, and I didn't stand up for Hungary, and then Ifelt guilty about that. I see a guilt theme overriding this blogg. For some reason I have the impression that if I don't speak up in defense of anyone or thing that I like, even to a relative stranger, that I am a coward. I think I behave cowardly alot.

Another thought I have had today, is that I have done my children a disservice by down playing/ hiding my true beliefs about contraversial things from my mother. By my not being brave enough to confront her with my beliefs, I did nothing to protect my children from her wrath when they come out to her on topics of sexuality, tatoos, and god. I used the guise of protecting Mom from what she doesn't know. I think on some level I was afraid of loosing my relationship with my own mother as convulted as it is, she is still my original "other" and hurting her and loosing her feel like annilation. Now I'm caught between my "other's" both mother and children. Run Judith Run........

where is she????

2006-05-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

uh oh, no post from her today, my heart is pounding, and I think of her description of the hostel as "mediocre at best" and I picture the worst. Never hearing from her again.!!!!!
The overcautious words of my mother ring in my ear and I feel guilty, guilty, guilty. For what? Letting her go,? allowing her to make her own choices about where to stay? not taking better care of her?

why should I feel guilty

2006-05-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

I find myself feeling guilty because she used the term f-----ing in her first blog. Why should I care. The f word doesn't bother me, I've been known to use it myself, but yet I feel guilty for her for what others may think about her.

Sometimes I have trouble feeling Ok about what I think and allowing others to know what I think, if I belive they won't approve. So here it is in cyber space, I don't care about the use of the f word, it might be coarse and sort of gritty, but in the realm of serious things, it doesn't really make any difference. Does it? I do abhore the uses of the m-----f----- word, because of the visual that brings up and the disrespect it implies to women and mothers. But why is the term f--- the biggest insult we have here in the US? I think it's our puritan abhorence for anything sexual about ourselves.

oh boy she's gone to europe

2006-05-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

My one and only daughter has gone to Europe without much help from me, for five weeks. Shiiiiiiit. I feel like one arm has been paralyzed, and my jaw is jealous and pissed, and my heart is freaking out. I am sure my blood pressure is higher than two days ago.

But my biggest part ( I guess objectively that would be my butt) feels ready to burst with pride and the thrill of her being ready to fly "literally", on her own.